To put you up to speed, Garak is eleven months preggers, the wedding is in
two days, and Bashir has Australian cousins.

I want to give a very special thanks to my beta reader Calicia who was
patient enough to slough through my horrendous spelling.  She also helped a
great deal with the Aussie vernickie (no thanks to the Foster's website)

So, this Canuck just wants to let the world know:

AUSSIES RULE!!

:>) enjoy!



TITLE:CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAMMAL O' MINE

AUTHOR: melissa

CODES:G/B, G/O'B, B/Du, Du/m x 4

SERIES:DS9

RATING:R

SUMMARY: Garak's hormones are raging out of control and Dukat learns How to
Speak Australian.
CONTACT:  mailto://meister@sprint.ca
ARCHIVE:  feel free, just give me the credit.



Quark looked up from the bar, scrutinizing the bizarre array of customers
that were currently crowding it. On the far end, contrary to his wishes, a
human in a Starfleet uniform was setting up a band and from the size of the
drum set and the two electric guitars it clearly wasn't going to be a night
of 'easy listening'. The three FBI agents he had met months before were
seated with Isphael, drinking their beverages in uncharacteristic silence.
Various PADDS littered the table, and Quark shivered to think what
information they contained.

Miles O'Brien eased himself into onto a barstool and caught Quark's
attention with a cough.

"What'll it be Chief?"Quark asked, still staring at the four.

"Scotch and water,"O'Brien said. Quark handed him the drink, his eyes never
leaving the other table. O'Brien sent a cursory glance in their direction.
"Hunh. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse."he said with a wry smile.

Quark shook his head. "I can't wait for this wedding to be over. I haven't
seen so many weirdos and freaks in all my years owning this place, and that
includes during the Occupation."

"You're being a little harsh,"O'Brien replied.

The doors to the bar slid open again and Garak ambled in. O'Brien and Quark
studied the 'plain and simple' tailor who was unsteadily navigating his way
down the small set of steps that led to the bar.

"I'd better help him."O'Brien said, putting his drink down on the counter.
Garak's balance was becoming increasingly hard to manage, only a week ago he
had tripped and fallen on similar steps in the cargo bay. O'Brien walked up
to Garak and grasped his arm, steadying him, and Garak managed the steps
with ease. He smiled at O'Brien beatifically.

"How very kind of you Chief, "he said, his arm automatically interlocking
into O'Brien's as he tried to go back to the bar, "out of everyone on this
station you have been the most understanding about my, ah, condition.
Perhaps it is because of your experience with this sort of thing."

"Probably."O'Brien muttered, wanting to get back to his drink.

Garak, still hooked arm in arm with him, leaned his head on O'Brien's
shoulders. "I am so very glad that Julian is your friend. He truly does have
a remarkable talent for surrounding himself with sweet, generous people. Oh,
hello Quark. Have you seen Isphael?"Garak closed his eyes and absently
nuzzled his head into O'Brien's neck.


"He's over there."O'Brien replied quickly, and gently eased Garak out of the
pseudo-embrace.

"Ah, so he is."Garak smiled and slowly labored his way to his second
father's table. O'Brien returned to his place at the bar, flustered. He
drank the rest of his scotch and water in one gulp. "Another."he barked, and
Quark complied.

"Never mind the wedding,"O'Brien said to him, "I can't wait for all *that*
to be over with. Goddamn Cardie hormones."

"He has been a little touchy-feely lately."Quark said in understatement,
"And moody. Yesterday when I brought my suit back because the hem was
slightly off , he started bawling. I didn't know what to do." Quark
shuddered at the memory of the distraught Cardassian.

"I'm an awful tailor,"he had choked out between sobs.

"No, no. I made a mistake, the pants are fine, really. See? No problem. I'm
just being a picky Ferengi."Quark had reassured him. Garak's crying didn't
cease and Quark knew he had to do something before he started getting
hysterical. He walked up to the Cardassian uneasily and placed his palm on
Garak's back.

"Umm...There there."he said, patting the tailor's back. Garak whirled around
to face him, his eyes glinting with intense fury.

"What do you think you're doing?"he shouted.

"I..I thought,"Quark stammered, confused. Isn't this what humans did to
comfort someone?

"Get out of my shop!"Garak demanded.

Still later that day Quark had been confronted by a very angry Dr. Bashir.
"What's all this about you fondling Garak?"he charged.

Apparently pats on the back meant a very different thing to Cardassians.

"Julian explained the whole thing to me,"O'Brien continued, drawing Quark
back into the present, "The level of hormones in his system keeps shifting
drastically, he really can't help how he reacts to it."He took a reserved
sip of his drink, "Oh well, it's only another month."

Quark shifted from foot to foot. Another month with uneven pants.

***

Captain Sisko tapped the console with his fingertips impatiently. Gul Dukat
had a lot of nerve showing up unannounced for 'treaty negotiations'. If he
thought he was going to get more of a military presence on the station he
had another thing coming.

"On screen." Sisko commanded. Gul Dukat's arrogant visage lit up the room.

"Captain, Major"he nodded to Major Kira who returned his acknowledgment with
a fierce glare, "how good of you to be so gracious as to accept my little
unannounced visit. I look forward to discussing our newest projects against
the Dominion with you."

Sisko stifled a grimace. He still had his reservations about Dukat's
sincerity. "Very well."he waved the hail off screen. "Odo, make sure our new
'guests' are aware of the no weapons rule now in effect."

Odo nodded an affirmative and left to greet the unwelcome entourage.


***

An hour later Dukat was strolling the Promenade with a reluctant Captain
Sisko and Major Kira in tow.

The man's arrogance really is appalling, Sisko thought, He still has the
walk of a proprietor in this place. I doubt there is any way his mind would
truly let that piece of power go.

"The lighting here is significantly brighter than it was the last time I was
here."Dukat observed.

"Chief O'Brien has finally been able to replace the lights with a more
comfortable brightness for both Bajorans and Federation staff."Sisko
replied.

"Pity,"Dukat said, "The dimness created such a lovely hue on the
architecture." He stopped at an ornate bulkhead to prove his point, "As you
can see, the colors here are best represented in a more subtle atmosphere.
But then, most humans don't understand the necessary art of subtlety."

He grinned inwardly and moved away from the bulkhead, a witty, cutting
remark on the edge of his lips when a familiar form walked past him and
approached Sisko.

"Captain,"Garak said, in an uncharacteristically soft voice, "When you have
time I would appreciate it if you could visit Julian and I at my shop. There
are a number of details about the day after tomorrow that I would like to
discuss with you."

"Gladly."Sisko replied, smiling. Garak turned to Dukat.

"I see you've decided to impose yourself once again,"he said acidly, "You
seem to have a penchant for dragging back bad memories with nothing but your
presence. But that, of course, won't be enough, you'll have to regale us
with talk of your past glory days. Past glories..Why, we could talk about
how you let this station slip out of your hands..."

Dukat was silent. His eyes were appraising Garak's rotund physique with
confusion. His normally eloquent tongue escaped him and before he could stop
himself he blurted out, "How did you get so fat?"

A blundering remark, especially to say to Elim Garak. He braced himself for
the barrage of cutting insults that were no doubt about to be hurled his
way. He already had a few quips of his own ready to slice at whatever his
enemy flung at him.

He waited, but he didn't get insults. He got Garak's face crumpling into
tears. He was dumbfounded, insults he could handle but *this*...He couldn't
help but step away from Garak in shock.

Sisko put a gingerly placed arm around the tailor's shoulders and Garak's
body fell against him. "I think I'd better take you to the Infirmary."Sisko
said to him gently, and Garak sobbed an affirmative against his chest.

Dukat couldn't help but stare at the pair as they left him with Major Kira.
He kept opening and closing his mouth but no words would come out. He looked
helplessly to Kira for an explanation.

"You are such an asshole."she said to him, leaving him alone on the
Promenade.

***

Julian was busy piecing together the entrails of Isphael's latest case.
Since his success with the Romulan Snacker, Ishpael passed some of the
forensics from his more difficult cases on to the good doctor to see what he
could come up with. From what he could gather about this one, the
perpetrator no doubt had certain religious beliefs--entrails had a history
of being given up as a sacrifice.

The door to his office slid open and Julian was surprised to see Sisko
guiding in an obviously distraught Garak. Julian wrapped his arms around
Garak protectively, "What happened?"he asked.

"Gul Dukat told him he was fat."Sisko explained. Julian nodded in
understanding.

"Garak, I just need to talk to Dr. Bashir alone for one moment, "Sisko told
him and he guided Bashir out of his office and into the infirmary.

"Isn't there anything you can do? He's falling apart over everything."Sisko
hissed at him. Julian shrugged.

"He can't help it Captain, he's getting ten times the natural high and lows
of hormones of a Cardassian in the same condition. If he didn't get the
hormone therapy he would have lost the baby months ago. Believe me, no-one
wants them to get under control more than me, but the only thing we can do
is wait it out."

Sisko gritted his teeth in frustration. "If only he wasn't so
damn--affectionate--all the time."he said, "It's getting on my nerves."

"It's an automatic response,"Julian reminded him. As well as himself.
Garak's flirtatious behavior as of late was bothering Julian as well. All it
took was an innocent touch and Garak was completely under the influence of
his more primitive urges. He'd witnessed the sudden change with Miles when
they were at Quark's a week ago. Miles' hand had accidently brushed against
Garak's hip and the tailor went from his usual cool banter to fawning
supplicance. If Julian wasn't touching him or holding him, Garak's body
hungrily sought out warmth from any source, even going so far as to
misinterpret Quark's innocent attempt at consolation as a sexual overture.

"It's only one more month."he said, more to himself than Sisko.

"I'll see you later doctor,"Sisko replied, and Julian nodded with a tired
air. He opened the door of his office and walked back in to a waiting,
anxious Garak.

But Garak was no longer distressed by Gul Dukat's careless comment. He
approached Julian with a broad, welcoming smile and slid himself easily into
the doctor's embrace.

"Mmmmm, Julian, take the afternoon off."Garak purred and nuzzled his face
hungrily into Julian's neck. He gently bit into Julian's shoulder blade
sending an involuntary shudder of desire through his lover's body.

"I have patients to see."Julian whispered, but he didn't try to break free.

"Mmmmmm, tell them they have to get well on their own. It's so painful not
to have you near me and you do agree that *my* medical emergency is much
more pleasurable, Mmmmmmmm?" Julian's heart was racing as the words kissed
his ear in the tenderest caress.

"No, Garak,"he replied, it taking all of his willpower to refuse, "It's my
duty.."

"Mmmmmm...Fuck duty."Garak replied, the obscenity strangely erotic as it
left his lips.

"No."Julian said, forcing firmness in his tone.

Garak broke unhappily from their embrace. "You don't find me attractive any
more, do you?" Tears were threatening to fall once again.

"Of course I do."Julian replied.

"You agree with *him*,"Garak began angrily, "You don't want to come with me
because you can't stand touching me or my huge.."he put a protective hand on
his burgeoning stomach.

"You're beautiful."Julian said and caressed the swell of Garak's abdomen.
Garak's anger and tears immediately ceased and he collapsed once again
against Julian's body.

"Mmmmmm, I want to spend the rest of the day with you."

"Elim, we've just had this argument."Julian reminded him.

"No, I had asked you to take the afternoon off and you refused. Mmmmmm, now
I'm offering to stay and keep you company."

"Aren't there things you need to do at the shop?"

"Nothing involving life and death. You?"

Julian sighed, admitting defeat. "No."

Garak smiled. "Mmmmmm."


***



Early in the evening Garak and Julian were preparing their quarters for the
arrival of Julian's extended family. The Australians were due to arrive at
the station within a couple of hours and Garak was pacing relentlessly, he'd
already tried on four different outfits.

"How does this look?"he asked anxiously.

"The same as the last three."Julian observed.

"I'm only trying to make as good an impression as I can."

"They're occas, Garak, they're not going to care."

Garak's jaw set in anger, "So, now I'm not worth caring about? Spare me your
little pities Doctor, if you are so ashamed of my appearance that it's
hopeless to care then I suggest we postpone this union until...Mmmmm"Julian
halted Garak's tirade with a long, searching kiss. When he finally came up
for air he locked his hazel eyes into Garak's worshipful gaze.

"Frankly, Elim, I would prefer that you didn't wear anything right now."



***



Major Kira stood uncomfortably in the presence of Gul Dukat, who himself was
seated on the couch.

"I trust these quarters are to your liking?"she said sharply.

Dukat smiled licentiously back, "Of course, what better place to enjoy the
comforts of home. Please, Major, join me for a drink."Kira hesitated. "I
promise you I won't poison it."Dukat replied sweetly, "Besides, there are a
few questions I wouldn't mind asking."

"If it has anything to do with Cardassia having another military presence
here then I'm leaving."Kira said.

Dukat chuckled to himself, "No Major, this is a time for more social,
domestic matters. Please, I beg of you, have a seat. kannar or Tarkalian
tea?"

"Coffee."Major Kira replied, "espresso."

Dukat weighed her answer.

"A strange drink for a Bajoran."he replied, "From what I hear, it's more
potent than Ratijinko. And significantly more bitter."

"It grows on you."she said. She actually hated espresso, but she'd be damned
if she would enjoy *anything* in Dukat's company. "What did you want to ask
me?"she inquired impatiently.

He walked over to the replicator and materialized their drinks as she sat on
an uncomfortable looking chair. He handed her the tiny mug of hot, bitter
brew.

"Well, there seems to be a number of events that have transpired here since
my last visit,"Dukat began, "I noticed that Quark had retiled some of the
floor around the bar, a more interesting design I must admit. I've also
heard on good authority that there are several dozen cases of alcohol
imported from Earth in the cargo bay--I suppose someone is having a party."

"There's a wedding in a couple of days,"Kira replied guardedly.

"And of course,"Dukat took a sip of his kannar, "There is Mr. Garak's rather
odd weight gain."

Kira shrugged. "I guess we need a gym."

Dukat tut-tutted and shook his head, "Major, I am not so much a fool not to
notice *where* all of the weight he gained has placed itself. What I'm
curious about is who is the fool that made it happen? Obviously not another
Cardassian, I trust."

"Oh, you never know."Kira attempted to mislead, but Dukat merely shook his
head again.

"I am under the belief that it may be someone Bajoran. No Major, I'm not
suggesting *you*, although the thought is rather amusing."

Kira couldn't suppress a smile. "What Bajoran do you believe did it then?"
she asked, bemused.

"I've been keeping tabs on Garak's customers--the man is, after all, a
security risk--and it seems one Bajoran in particular , a Fark Rohen,
purchases the most out of every patron who haunts his little shop. I suspect
that Garak, no doubt being lonely due to his exile (a situation I am very
pleased about, tragic though it is) and finding no fellow Cardassians to
ease the emptiness he opted for the next most 'familiar' thing."

Kira was doing her best to remain as bland in expression as possible. Fark
Rohen was a ninety-seven year old Bajoran priest who passed away four years
ago. Obviously Dukat's source didn't t keep tabs on the local obituaries.
Kira entertained the thought that this 'informant' was no doubt Garak
himself deliberately misleading the gullible Gul.

"Interesting theory."she replied. She took a sip of the espresso. Prophets,
it was awful! If Dukat noticed her grimace he didn't comment on it. He was
busy inwardly laughing over Garak's predicament, having the child of a
Bajoran whom, his reports suggested, had long since abandoned him. It was
more delicious than Deluvian chocolates. He opened his mouth to comment on
the sweet irony to Major Kira when a low moan suddenly emanated from the
ceiling.

Again? Kira groaned inwardly, thinking, They were busy with this in the
infirmary this afternoon.

"What was that?"Dukat asked. Another moan, louder, leaked out of the
ceiling.

"It's a real pity Cardassian architecture doesn't include
soundproofing."Major Kira observed.

There was the distinct, muffled sound of frantic endearments, accompanied by
a few loud thuds. An occupant in the quarters above was shouting the
affirmative over and over in a long, panting rhythm. And then, to Dukat's
shock, one very distinct, familiar voice shouted "Onso Sodonsi!" ,
Cardassian for "I surrender!"

"Garak?" Dukat asked the ceiling.

"Oh, Oh, Ooooooooooh....Julian..."it answered.

"Julian?"Dukat searched his memory, "Not that little human, Dr.
Bashir?"Kira's silence only told him he had guessed right. A series of
shrieks, thuds and thumps found their way into Dukat's quarters. Both he and
Major Kira stared up at the ceiling, frowning.

"Should he really be doing that?"Dukat asked her absently, "I would think,
in his advanced condition, that he would exercise some caution."

"He doesn't seem to mind."Kira observed. She placed her mug of drained
espresso on the small table before her and rose to leave. "I'd get some ear
plugs if I were you,"she suggested, walking out the door, "According to the
last occupants of this room, Dr. Bashir has quite a bit of stamina."



***



Half an hour later, Dukat had to leave the din in his room behind. Who would
have thought that Dr. Julian Bashir would be the one who could make a
Cardassian beg for mercy? Dukat conjured the image of the human doctor in
his mind--he looked innocent enough. Golden skin and large, doleful hazel
eyes, his manner graceful and polite. "Hmmm, perhaps the incongruity isn't
so strange after all."Dukat thought, "Dr. Bashir is a fairly attractive man
by any standards. I suppose if I were exiled here I might have enjoyed him
myself." He inwardly faltered at that revelation, remembering the doctor's
fabulous abilities to arouse passion out of someone as guarded as Garak.
"That traitor, that worthless vole parasite. Why should *he* be granted that
pleasure?"Dukat tripped again on his own thoughts, was he actually jealous
of Garak? Certainly not of his little, ah, predicament, but he could concede
that he had never had a lover that would take him to such dizzying heights
that he would beg for his very life.

He walked along the Promenade lost in his uncomfortable thoughts when he saw
a group of humanoids walk around the corner.

"Bashie's through with the baching now I take it."

"I'd say his is, and now headed into wedded bliss. I find the fact he's
shacking up with the Sheila a tad on the redundant side"

"Oh, you toss. What's the prob if he's shacking up with the trouble 'n
strife?"

"Hear, hear. Look, mate, you're being a right royal pain in the arse. Talk
like that's gonna get Bashie to cop it rough."

Dukat watched as the four walked nearer to him. He put his hand on the
universal translator implanted in his ear--it clearly wasn't working
properly.

"G'day mate,"one of the four men said to him. Dukat didn't know how to reply
so he merely smiled.

"Oi, ya know the way to the pub?"one of them asked.

Pub? What was he talking about? Dukat waved his hand to suggest he didn't
understand, but the gesture was misinterpreted as a wave to Quark's bar.

"And there it is, thanks mate!"

"Say,"one paused and looked intently at Dukat, "You one of them
Cardicassidies aren't ya?"

Cardicassidies?

"Tell ya what Bruce,"the grinning human said, "Why don't we invite this
Cardicroc to come with us for a pissup? One way of getting to know what the
trouble 'n strife's all about."

The other three nodded in approval. "Whaddya reckon mate?"

It sounded remotely like an invitation, and Dukat couldn't help but be
curious. "Alright."he replied, cautiously, and he was lead by the rowdy four
into the bar.

"What planet are you from?"he asked graciously. The four looked at each
other as if the answer was obvious.

"Earth!"they replied in unison.

Dukat frowned. "I'm sorry,"he said, "It's just that you don't speak like any
human I've ever met."

"We're Aussies."the one he assumed was named Bruce replied, "Don't worry,
you'll pick up the lingo. No need to feel like a pick-pocket in a nudist
camp, we're an easy lot."



***

"Your relatives are late."Garak said sternly, only to give a forgiving nip
on Julian's shoulders, "And it's just as well, too."

"They probably won't even be here until the morning. They've no doubt
already arrived and are watering themselves at Quark's."Garak frowned.
"They're having a few beers."Julian explained and Garak relaxed and nodded
in understanding.

"Why don't you go ahead and meet with them, then."Garak replied
thoughtfully. He was already dressed in the first outfit he had
chosen--black pants with a rich maroon tunic, simple yet elegant. The wine
color accented the flushed health of his skin beautifully.

"You don't mind?"Julian asked.

"Delaying this meeting is probably for the best,"Garak replied, "Since I
have great difficulty understanding their strange dialect, even with the
list of phrases you gave me. A most colorful take on the English language,
although perhaps not the most poetic."

"Pity, and you all pooned up too."Julian teased.

"Let me remember--ah yes, 'dressed to impress'."Garak kissed Julian lightly
on the cheek, "Go my dear, have fun at the , uh, boozer."

Julian smiled, "I'll see you later, Garak. Hoo-roo."and he left.

He was halfway down the corridor when he received a hail.

"Odo to Dr. Julian Bashir."

Instantly he slipped into his professional role, "Bashir here."

"Isphael wants a summary of your report. He's busy in a meeting with his
officers right now, so he asked me to pick it up for him"Odo's voice puffed
a little with pride, "He thinks I may have some insight for his case."

"On my way."Julian sighed. His Australian cousins would have to wait.

***

Dukat was drunk. Very very drunk. He realized this to be true because he
could understand what the Australians were saying perfectly.

"Oi! Bring us a VB for Cardiocrocdologist here."

Dukat's head was swimming as the massive glass of brew was set before him.

"Go on Mate! Scull! Scull! Scull" He raised it to his lips with an unsteady
hand, some of it sloshed onto his uniform, but he managed to bolt it down.

"Here, get me a drop, willya mate,"Bruce shouted to Quark who glared at him.
Bruce turned to his brother, "Now how do you like that? He's got a head like
a Kombi van with the doors wide open."

Dukat's drink spilled out of his mouth as he loudly guffawed. He was pretty
sure they were saying something about Quark's appearance, and whatever it
was there was no doubt it was funny. He let his weighty head sag onto the
table. It was nice and cool, unlike his skin.

Vaguely, he noticed there was music. Loud music. Quark was shouting
something. Thankfully the dizziness in his head muffled the noise.





Disclaimer:  Paraborg owns everything in Parts one and two of this story
except for the Aussie cousins and Isphael.


CAN'T HELP LOVIN' THAT MAMMAL O' MINE pt. 2

by melissa

"Odo, you've got to be kidding. Where did you get these?"

"Captain Sisko thought it would be a good way to keep track of your
guests."Odo replied gruffly. Julian smirked as he handled the little box of
'HELLO--My Name Is' stickers.

"Nobody would be caught dead wearing these. At the very least they'd put
fake names on them like: I.P. Nightly and Ira Naway."Julian replied, "At
least, that's what I would do." He tossed the box onto his console and
rubbed his face with his hands, he was exhausted but there was no way he was
going to be able to go home without finishing his 'voluntary 'report for
Isphael. His future 'second father-in-law' was quite pleased with Julian's
findings. Vile and time-consuming though the work was, it was one way of
easing himself into the Cardassian family structure.


"I'll discuss it with the Captain tomorrow."Julian sighed. Odo prepared to
leave.

"Dr. Bashir?"he said.

"Yes?"

"Congratulations. On everything."and he left. Julian smiled to himself. How
could he ever have doubted his friends?

He sat down in his chair and prepared to work. The stresses of the day,
however, sat heavily in his body and before he was even conscious of
drifting he had fallen asleep.



***

Miles crunched the butterscotch candy in his mouth loudly and buzzed the
chime on Julian's quarters. The package Keiko had wrapped so carefully was
balanced neglectfully on his palm. It was an insignificant gift, by Miles'
standards, a delicate crystal frame to hold a treasured picture of the
wedding. Keiko had picked it out, much to Miles' chagrin--he had wanted to
give Julian a holosuite program of Disneyland's best rides but his wife had
said it was inappropriate since Garak couldn't enjoy it. He was
disappointed. Julian could've invited him instead and they both could have
checked out the new 'Towering Inferno of Doom' with its 1G-force action as
the elevator plunged 200ft. in a straight 90 degree angle to the ground.

Garak opened the door and smiled widely. "Why Chief O'Brien, how very kind
of you to drop by, do come in,"he graciously invited.

Miles sucked in his breath as he entered Julian's quarters. "Just make sure
you don't touch him in any way,"he thought, remembering Julian's warning and
the incident at Quark's that morning.

"I figured I'd drop off a pre-wedding gift,"he said, and held the package
out to Garak.

"Why, Chief, you shouldn't have,"Garak began, taking the package from him,
"Have a seat."

"No, I can't stay,"Miles objected.

"Nonsense, you can stay for a, what is this beverage again?"Garak read the
label,"Beer."

"Oh, well, a beer."Miles said, and quickly sat down.

"Julian got cases of this strange elixir,"Garak said, "He said his
Australian cousins would die of dehydration without it. I myself find it
much too bitter."He opened the cap and began to pour it into an elegant
glass.

"No, no don't pour it,"Miles said, horrified to see his masculine brew
subjected to tenderness, "It's better straight from the bottle."

Garak looked doubtful. "Are you sure?"He handed the bottle to Miles who took
it and pressed the opening of the bottle to his lips and tipped it expertly
to drain some of its contents.

"Hmm,"he grunted, "That's a right smooth one."

"I'll take your word for it."Garak said, and sat across from him delicately.
Miles drew the beer away from his lips and looked at Garak. His stomach was
now a perfect sphere covered in maroon. He took another swig of beer and
thought about how much more attractive Garak was with this softness added to
his features. He could almost see what Julian saw in him, what with the
silken grey of his skin and those bluer-than-the-Pacific eyes. Garak closed
his eyes and stroked back a wisp of a stray, silken black lock. The simple
gesture was remarkably sensual. Garak opened his eyes again and turned them
dreamily towards Miles.

"How are the new specs for the replicators going?"he asked.

"Fine. We're getting some new Klingon and Trill recipes added to its
matrix,"Miles said, "It's actually pretty boring. No gagh."

"Thankfully."

"Ha, you and me both."Miles took another swig of his beer.

"Since you are here,"Garak remembered, "I should get you that holoprogram
that Julian's been working on. He wanted to see if you could add some
authenticity. He wouldn't feel right if there was anything, important or
otherwise, missing."

"The only way not to miss anything would be to transport back in time to the
Alamo." Miles said, "He's such a stick in the mud for details."

"Ah, but details are the soul of any work,"Garak said, "I don't believe Da
Vinci's 'Mona Lisa' would have had quite the same impact if it had been left
as a charcoal sketch."

"True."Miles took another drink, "I didn't know you were interested in human
art."

"I'm not,"Garak replied, "I found the work in question to be rather dull, as
portraits so often are. Still, there was something about her smile..."he
reflected as he stroked his swollen abdomen affectionately. Miles had to
swallow back his smirk. "I really should go get that holoprogram for
you,"Garak said, trying to get up, "My mind seems to be quite fuddled these
days and I am afraid I may forget."

He struggled anew to get out of his seat but his girth had made such a move
very difficult. Miles, forgetting Julian's warning when faced with the pull
of chivalry, left his seat and grasped Garak's hand to help him stand.

Garak's neck ridges immediately darkened at the first touch and now he stood
before Miles, still clasping his hand.

"Thank you,"he said, much softer than his usual voice, "I fear I may have
remained there for the entire evening if you hadn't come to my rescue."
Garak slid closer to the engineer.

"Garak?"Miles said warily. Garak leaned against Miles affectionately.

"You have been so kind to me."Garak said, his whisper the caress of velvet.
The feel of the Cardassian's hair on his neck was like the softness of downy
feathers. Miles had to reach out and stroke the alien texture, just to be
sure his senses were correct. He stroked Garak's hair in soothing, languid
movements.

"Mmmm."the tailor replied to the ministrations, then he lifted his head to
meet Miles' gaze.

"His eyes really are the most striking blue,"Miles had to admit.

"Beautiful."He couldn't help but say aloud.

And then, reflected in those azure depths, a sudden, naked vulnerability.
The sort that always resulted in a chivalrous man's fall.

His mouth found its way to Garak's and he locked them both into an
impassioned oral embrace.

***



Dukat staggered down a corridor, completely unaware of where he had now
strayed. That wasn't his primary concern. The pressure in his bladder was
unbearable and there was nary a restroom to be found. "Damn architect," he
muttered, "Never was enough bathrooms in this place."Nonchalantly he leaned
against a pillar and undid his trousers.

Unbeknownst to him, the evident puddle he left behind seeped into the cracks
of the floor. Along a single primary conduit beneath the floors and in the
walls, tiny sparks fizzled and popped.



***

Odo was busy flickering through the monitors before his shift ended. He was
exhausted from the non-stop duties that had plagued him since the
Cardassians' arrival. Yawning, (a practiced gesture that he had imitated
from humans) he noticed Quark's was getting rowdier thanks to the band, and
Bashir's Australian cousins were winning non-stop at the Dabo table. Odo
smirked, he liked them already.

He changed the scene to the Promenade. Only a few stragglers from the night
crew were milling about on their breaks. He checked the corridor to the
Infirmary and quickly glossed over it before moving on to the cargo bay
area. He paused.

Had he actually seen Dukat relieving himself on a pillar?

He switched back to the Infirmary corridor. Nothing.

Odo sat back in his chair and sighed. Perhaps it was time to call it a night
and slip into his bucket.



***

Dukat re-fastened his pants with no small effort, he seemed to have grown
extra fingers. The spinning of the station was increasing with every step he
took--perhaps drinking those two 'beers' wasn't such a good idea after all.
He hadn't planned on getting so inebriated, but the Australians were
knocking back the brew as if it was water and he'd be damned if a Cardassian
could be out drank by a human. With a concentrated effort, he crawled on his
hands and knees to a door. Ah, well, so this is damnation.

The door slid open and he collapsed inside the room. He lay on the floor for
a moment before he decided to rise. His body felt so very heavy, if only he
could find his bed.

There were lots of beds here. With a jolt he realized he had ended up in the
Infirmary. The beds looked small and uncomfortable. There was another door
to his...left? Maybe there was a more suitable resting place here. He walked
to the right and it slid open to grant him passage.

There was a decidedly more inviting thrill than sleep awaiting him here. Dr.
Bashir lay sprawled in a large chair, his head thrown back exposing his
long, golden throat. Dukat crept closer to him, even his drunken state
couldn't quell the natural Cardassian instinct of stealth. He placed his own
face just inches from Bashir's, all the better to inspect his features. The
doctor was so blissfully relaxed, his face a pure visage of innocence. His
lips curled in sleep to a sweet, tranquil pout.

"You truly are adorable."Dukat whispered.

He bent his head low and placed a kiss on Julian's lips. He was surprised by
the skin's heat and the stirs its flavor caused to his groin. He wondered
what luscious treats the rest of Dr. Bashir's body would yield. Gingerly, he
ran the tip of his tongue along the doctor's exposed throat. He stirred, his
long, thick eyelashes fluttering briefly before descending once again into
lidded sleep.

"Garak."he murmured.

At the mention of his enemy's name Dukat felt the familiar pangs of hatred.
To think that hideous wart could enjoy *this*!

Dukat relaxed and smiled to himself, for here he was with Garak's lover--who
was very much unconscious. He began to take off his Gul's uniform as quietly
as his drunkenness could allow. Oh yes, he would enjoy this.



***

Garak moaned under the weight of Miles' embrace. He kneaded his fingers into
the taut, heavy muscles of his back. Miles' hot tongue tasted of
confectionary--butterscotch, Garak's favorite human flavor. The rough hands
of the engineer stroked Garak's neck in coarse tenderness. "He has such
warm, strong hands."Garak thought. Sweet heat and strength. Garak moaned
anew into Miles' mouth and pressed his body's length purposefully into his
caresses. His hip caught the evidence of Miles' substantial erection and
Garak pulled away from the deep kiss with wide eyes and an exquisite gasp.

Miles moved his mouth onto Garak's neck. The heat was wonderful, so
intensely overpowering. "He'll singe me."he thought. He leaned his head back
to expose more of his sensitive nape for Julian's friend to explore.

"Julian?"Garak wondered, his eyes now closed in rapture, "What was it again
about Julian?"

"Julian?"he questioned aloud.

Miles froze.

He pulled himself abruptly from Garak's arms.

"Jesus, Mary and Joseph!"he shouted, ready to aim recriminations. But no, he
couldn't, it had been _himself_ who had planted that kiss.

Garak was blinking as if just waking from a trance. "Chief, what...."

"I-I'll just pick up the holosuite program tomorrow,"he replied, his voice
thick with frustrated sex, "I have to go. NOW."

"Yes. That would be best."Garak conceded, breathless, not looking in the
engineer's direction as he ran out the door.

***



Julian stirred and let escape a guttural moan. He opened his eyes, groggily
aware that he was in his office. "I must have fallen asleep." he thought. A
fabulous wave of pleasure rippled through his body as he felt the familiar
texture of his lover between his legs. Garak was giving him, as he called
it, 'oral satisfaction'. Julian sighed unevenly, his breath becoming more
ragged as Garak's perfect, harmonious mouth music played him.

He tangled his hand in the softness of Garak's hair and gently pushed his
head down farther. His hips began swaying against the rythm of Garak's
expert mouth.

"You taste like the sweetest of candies."a muffled voice between Bashir's
legs said.

Julian tensed.

That was NOT Garak's voice.

He pulled the hair of the Cardassian and wrenched his head free of his cock.
In absolute shock he looked at Dukat's face.

"What the hell are you doing?"Julian shouted.

Dukat frowned, uncomprehending. What did he mean? He had been enjoying
himself so much, what was the problem? In the delay of the drunk, a smile
slowly crept across his features as he finally understood.

"Of course. I'd forgotten."Dukat replied, smiling and standing up to reveal
his total nudity, "Birth Control."He searched from his standing point to
find something suitable. "Ah, this will do,"he reached for a small box on
the console. He peeled a 'HELLO My Name Is' sticker off and slapped it over
the small, circular orifice on his abdomen.

Hmmmm, something was wrong. Dr. Bashir was re-fastening his pants and a
string of very unFederation Standard swear words were foaming out of his
sensual, delicious mouth.

"Get out!"he shouted. His face really was an odd shade of red. Dukat touched
the doctor's cheek tenderly only to pull his fingertips away. His skin was
literally on fire!

"How very erotic."he observed aloud.

"Out!" Dr. Bashir repeated, pushing Dukat by the shoulders towards the door.
He was stronger than he looked, and his hands were hotter than plasma
flares.

"Really, doctor, you wouldn't throw me from your office stark naked would
you? I mean, what would people..."

But Dr. Bashir genuinely didn't care, and the naked Gul was flung out of the
infirmary and into the corridor. The thankfully empty corridor.

"My uniform!"he shouted to the door and tried to get in again. No use, Dr.
Bashir had locked it.



***

Major Kira checked the monitors for the evenings usual rounds. Odo had been
too tired to finish his shift, and Kira couldn't sleep anyway, thanks to
that spiteful espresso. Perhaps the tedium of the duty could help her forget
the presence of Gul Dukat on the station. No doubt sleeping in his bed right
now. She shook her head, willing the thought of Dukat in his bed away.

Quark's was getting far too rowdy, the bartender nowhere to be seen, which
was unusual, considering the amount of profit he was making off the crowd.
Everyone looked to have at least two drinks in their hands. An increasing
group of people were gathered around Quark's storeroom door. Probably
waiting for him to release the next round of overpriced alcohol. She took a
quick survey of the Promenade, it was completely empty. Likewise the cargo
bay. She glanced at the corridor to the infirmary before moving on to Deck
9. She paused. Quickly she rechecked the Infirmary corridor. Empty.

She could have sworn she'd seen Gul Dukat laying naked in the hallway.

She shrugged. It must have been a trick of the light.

***



Garak paced his quarters in increasing agitation. How could he have allowed
something like that to happen? He didn't have any compunction whatsoever to
sleep with Miles, and he'd assumed there was no attraction. What would
Julian say if he found out?

Garak shivered. It was much too cold in their quarters, no matter how much
he raised the heat. His stomach was churning in sickening knots. Where was
Julian? In Australia. No, no, *with* Australians, in Quark's bar. He had to
be near him. He left their quarters and headed down the corridor with
purpose to the bar. The air was even colder out here and he fought to keep
his teeth from chattering. A spasm in his stomach arrested him in mid-stride
and he took a deep, icy breath to calm it. He began walking again, a little
slower. It was so cold. He needed the warmth of a mammal.

Quark's bar was the busiest he had ever seen it. He maneuvered his way
through the crowd with great difficulty, but at least the press of bodies
were deliciously warm against him. He sighed, falling once again into that
sultry hypnosis, and concentrating all of his effort he tried to find
Julian. He tried to navigate by noting only blue Starfleet uniforms, but
there were too many and none with his doctor's face. His breath was
beginning to become ragged as panic was seeping in, where was he? On his
left not far from him he could hear Quark arguing and he turned to find the
location of the Ferengi. He was standing off from the bar, near his
storeroom door, and having a heated debate with a Starfleet officer.

"I don't care if they need a sound check, turn off that noise!"

Garak managed to eke his way to the Ferengi's side. "Quark."he called, his
voice shaking.

"Garak,"Quark said and smiled guardedly. Don't touch him, don't touch him he
reminded himself.

"Have you seen..."he was about to say 'Julian', when a sudden, painful spasm
hit his abdomen. The pain was too intense to talk through.

"Garak?"a concerned voice was asking, "Are you alright?"

Garak couldn't answer. He clutched his stomach as another wave of pain
overlapped itself atop of the former spasm.

"Come on, you can come with me into the storeroom,"he felt Quark's hand grip
his arm, the tiny warmth strangely comforting, "We'll get you out of the
crowd. Move, people, MOVE!"

He guided Garak over to a pile of crates and sat the tailor down. The sheer
whiteness of his face was enough to alarm Quark, let alone the chain of
strangled gasps that was his breathing.

"Computer, get Dr. Bashir."Quark ordered fearfully. Garak's skin was turning
all sorts of different shades of blue, black and green and he was obviously
in a lot of pain.

"Bashir here,"a curt voice answered.

"It's Quark. Garak's here in my storeroom and I think, I think he's
having...I think he's going to have..."

Julian's eyes opened wide. "Bashir to support staff, medical emergency in
Quark's storeroom. Computer, site to site transport on my mark..."

"Unable to comply."

"What?"Julian shouted at the ceiling, "You miserable, BITCH. Quark, you
still there?"

"Uh-huh."

"I'm sending the medical team to your bar. See if there's somewhere more
comfortable that you can place Garak, maybe in one of the holosuites."

"Right away."Quark said, easing the hyperventilating Cardassian unsteadily
to his feet, "Come on Garak, we'll get you all set up nice and
comfortable."Quark groaned as Garak leaned all of his weight onto him, by
the Grand Nagus he was heavy! They approached the door and....

Nothing.

"Why isn't the door opening?"Quark asked. "Computer open the door."

"Unable to comply."

"What?"Quark shouted, "Open the damn door!"

"Unable to comply."

"By the Grand Nagus' toilet, open the door!"

"Unable to comply."

Quark sighed. Garak had slumped to the floor, and tears were streaming down
his face.

"Quark to Dr. Bashir."

"Bashir here. Which holosuite are you in?"

"None. We can't get out of the storeroom. For some reason the door won't
open."

Julian had been running down a corridor and he abruptly stopped. He tried to
catch his breath. "Aww, fuck."he said.

"Doctor?"

"We'll be there as soon as we can,"Bashir said, "Bashir to O'Brien."



***

Miles forced himself to remain in the shower, regardless of the fact that
his skin was turning an unhealthy blue. Finally, he could stand it no more
and he stepped out of the icy spray, shivering with hypothermia as he dried
off with a plush towel.

What the hell had he been thinking? It was one thing to feel attraction, but
it certainly wasn't right to feel it for his best friend's pregnant fiance.
Especially considering that the fiancé in question was a male Cardassian. He
slipped back on a fresh uniform, all the better to get rid of the severe
heebiejeebies no doubt still imbedded in the one he wore earlier. "I can't
believe I actually kissed him,"he thought, and even more to himself "And not
innocently either."

What a kiss it was. And Garak's soft hair. And that pleasant fragrance that
wafted from his skin. And don't forget those eyes. "I damn well better
forget them."Miles gruffly told himself as he felt the heebiejeebies
starting to claw their way back under his skin. Miles took a deep breath.

"Incoming message from Dr. Bashir." the computer interrupted his thoughts.
Miles took another deep breath, of course Garak had told him.

"Chief, what's going on?"Julian asked him tersely.

"I'm sorry.."he tried to explain, but how could he really? He'd betrayed his
friend. "It was all a big mistake..."

"Obviously,"Julian replied, "But now we're in a hell of a mess. How soon
before you can clean this up?"

"You don't have to worry about a thing, consider it all water under the
bridge."Miles replied. "I'm really, very sorry, I don't want this to cost us
our friendship."

"What does our friendship have to do with it? I have no questions concerning
your abilities..."

"I'm hardly that good."Miles said, trying to waylay at least a little of the
blame.

"You're the best, and we need you. Garak's trapped and we have to get him
out."

Miles groaned and sank his head into his hands. The last thing he wanted to
do was talk to Garak. Still, he did owe it to his friend to make it up to
him and a simple talk wasn't going to kill him. He hoped.

"Fine, fine. I'll do what I can. Anything to put it all back the way it was,
ok?" He inhaled deeply to brace himself, "Where's Garak now?"

"What do you mean 'Where's Garak?', he's in the storeroom at Quark's."

Miles was confused. "Why is he in a storeroom?"

"He's trapped in there, the door won't open, and I think he's in labor. What
do you think we've been talking about?"Julian replied, annoyed.

"Uh...Nothing," Miles replied, greatly relieved, "I'm on my way."


***

Dukat felt the pull of several strong, beautifully warm hands underneath his
arms. When he was unsteadily erect (in more ways than one) he pried open his
eyes to see who was manhandling him so pleasurably.

"Here, mate, let's find your flat."a familiar voice said. Dukat smiled
mischievously.

"Ahhh, my Austriolaliannes. Yes, please, take me to my quarters, it is a bit
chilly in this corridor."he turned to Bruce and grinned, running his tongue
seductively over his teeth, "It's gotten quite late. Maybe we should all go
to bed."Dukat leaned serpentine against his benefactors.

Beside him he could hear one of the humans whistle and say, "Cor, Bruce,
who'dve thought we'd have a Cardisassie give us the full monty!"

***



It was already all over.

Quark looked at the tiny bundle he had wrapped in one of his better linen
tablecloths. It peered at him with tiny, black eyes. Everything about him
was tiny--tiny little toes...tiny little fingers...teeny, tiny little
ears...

"Awwww."he couldn't help but say. He brought him up to Garak, who was
slipping in and out of consciousness on the storeroom floor. The tailor
fluttered his eyes and focused intently on Quark.

"He's here."Quark offered, showing him the bundled infant. Even through the
pain and shock, Garak still managed a small smile. He raised a shaking hand
to stroke his son's face.

"You have to name him,"he said to Quark, his voice a croaking whisper,
"You've been the first to touch him. Custom. Cardassian."He closed his eyes
and swallowed painfully.

"What should I..."but Garak was waiting for his answer.

Quark gazed again upon the perfect, helpless creature in his arms. What name
could possibly be fitting for such a precious gift?

Quark smiled. He had just thought of the perfect name and when he told it to
Garak, the tailor looked like he was trying to laugh.

The door to the storeroom was finally blasted open. A flurry of medical
personnel ran to the bloodied mess that was the Cardassian, wrapped him in
blankets, and hoisted him onto a stretcher. A nurse took the baby from
Quark's arms, the sudden emptiness left to him disappointing. He could hear
Dr. Bashir in the distance shouting medical terms as they left his now
emptied bar.

O'Brien stepped into the storeroom with him. "Dear Mother Mary,"he exhaled
as he beheld the sight. He took a quick look at Quark, who noted the Chief's
face was a decided shade of green.

"I'll be outside. Checking on why the door didn't open."he said, and darted
away.

Quark looked around his storeroom in dismay. Cardassian/Human childbirth was
a messy business indeed. "This is gross."he thought with disgust, and bile
rose unbidden to his throat, "To think I have to clean this up."

"Hmmm."

"Rom! Get in here!"he shouted.


***

It was morning. Gul Dukat opened his eyes painfully to see Glinn Damar
staring at him with his mouth open.

"Did you bring me another uniform?"he asked groggily. Damar nodded, his eyes
riveted to the HELLO--My Name Is sticker on Dukat's stomach, the only thing
he was wearing. Someone had scrawled "The Aussie's Stud" in Cardassian on
its blank space, the inked characters strangely reminiscent of Dukat's
handwriting.

Four humans walked past him, giving him a friendly nod as they left one by
one.

"See ya later, mate."one said, and the others waved, "Say Bruce, whaddya say
we go to the boozer and get brekkie?"

Dukat peered over the edge of his couch with longing after his new friends.

"Call me."he said wistfully to their departing forms.

***



"I do."

Sisko stood back from the foot of the bed. "Then you are married." he said
simply, radiating warmth. A collective smile spread its way across the
crowded infirmary. Leeta was choking back sobs of joy and even Kira couldn't
stop a dab or two leaking from the corner of her eyes.

"This is the part where you kiss."Dax reminded them. Eagerly they obliged
and the substantial crowd cheered.

"Cor,"Bruce said, sniffling, "I'm gettin' all wussy an' weepy."Julian's
cousins all nodded their assent.

Dax held her arms out to Garak, "You have to let me hold him or I won't
congratulate you."

She scooped the baby into her arms and cooed over him, "He's so adorable.
What did you name him?"

Garak hesitated, "I don't believe you congratulated us."he reminded her.

"Oh, of course I congratulate both of you. Now what's this little slug's
name?" To Trills, calling a baby a slug is a *good* thing.

"Latinum."Garak replied. Dax smirked in Quark's direction.

Chief O'Brien sheepishly approached the couple. "I just, uh, wanted to say
how happy I am for both of you."he said. He nodded in what he hoped could be
taken as a silent apology to the bedridden Garak.

"I know you are,"Garak said, smiling politely, "It is very good to know that
Julian has friends he can rely on and trust."

O'Brien bristled a little and gripped the edge of Garak's hospital bed,
white knuckled. Garak reached out with a free hand and patted O'Brien's
innocently.

"Sometimes our friends can make mistakes. But it's good to know when they
recognize them."Garak said.

O'Brien smiled. "Yeah."he replied, sheepish.

"Speaking of friendships,"Garak said to both O'Brien and Julian, "I've
brought a holosuite program for the two of you. I trust you can keep Julian
entertained for me."

O'Brien took the program that Garak motioned was on the small table beside
his bed, trying desperately not to show his flinch at the Cardassian's
seemingly careless remark.

"Julian pretty much knows how to entertain himself,"the Chief said, stiffly.
Garak gave him a sympathetic look.

"Friendships are forged in collaboration."he replied.

Julian was oblivious of the contretemps being played before him, and he
eagerly took the holosuite program from O'Brien's tight-fisted grasp. "Now
we can finish the Alamo!"he said excitedly.

"Not the Alamo,"Garak corrected, "Disneyland."

O'Brien jolted. Garak gave him a benign smile. "The 'Towering Inferno of
Doom'?"he reminded him.

"Jeez, thanks Garak."he gushed. He peered at the bundle in Garak's arms and
Julian looked over the engineer's shoulder.

"You know Miles, it's the strangest thing, but in the right light he looks a
little like you."

O'Brien coughed. "Yeah, imagine that."

END